Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
40s are totally the cure
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize