I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
