Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
