just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Hippo gnu deer
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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