Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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