Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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