The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
