Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i dont even know how to be here
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
