So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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