the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
