checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
