4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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