my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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