when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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