You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
