Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
