She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize