Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
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