I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
