I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
