I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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