Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
