Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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