he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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