I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
