My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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