His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
