What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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