take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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