Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
