Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
