My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Randomize
