i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
