I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
