I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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