in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
