Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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