Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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