there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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