pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
