I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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