I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
