i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
