I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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