I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
