Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
