i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
so much tequila, so little girl.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
