how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
