im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
