What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
