it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
