I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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