my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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