Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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