When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we're making bets on your personal life
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
