Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
