I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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