I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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