if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
